The open letter technique is a clichéd way to address a challenging topic and when I see a writer begin with “Dear Democratic Party” or “Dear President Trump” I think, “If you really want to address those people, why post your letter here?” But I’m doing it because many white women read this blog.
Dear American White Women:
When you feel criticized because you made a comment that turned out to be antagonizing to people of color, we don’t hate you (at least most of us don’t). Many of us people of color who are disturbed by your comment appreciate when you’re open enough to want to do better and you don’t feel too embarassed to be open to self-examination.
We also know that it’s very hard to get called out on your stuff. Maybe you feel humiliated. Maybe you feel picked on. Maybe you want your apology to quickly be accepted so everyone can forget you ever said what you said. That’s understandable.
But if you’ve gone on the record as being genuinely interested in forming relationships with people of color and/or if you’ve said you want more women of color in your all-white organization, then there’s more you need to do. After you’ve apologized and others have accepted it, you have three choices.
1. You do the work to educate yourself about the experiences of people of different cultural and racial backgrounds, so that in the future you hurt us less than you have been (and yes, you have been).
2. You don’t do the work, you keep interacting with us, and you accept that you will occasionally (or frequently) come across as an insensitive white person who says and/or does things that hurt people of different cultural and racial backgrounds.
3. You stop all interaction with people of different cultural and racial backgrounds so you no longer personally, individually hurt us, and your world becomes (stays?) completely white.
You pick one of those ways to live and if you don’t make that choice consciously, you make it subconsciously. You might tell yourself you’ve learned from your mistake and will never make such a comment in front of people of color ever again. And you might believe that fixes the problem because you’re a nice person and you trust yourself not to hurt anyone anymore, but it’s not enough.
You know how hard it is to get men to talk about sexism? Remember how difficult those conversations have been with your father, your boyfriend, co-workers, or your male friends who call themselves feminists? I’m sure you know how badly men can respond when you point out some behavior of theirs that’s damaging. They don’t want to think of themselves as ignorant or destructive. Getting a man to do the work of really examining his inner beliefs and changing his sexist behavior is hard because no man wants to believe he hurts women, especially if he thinks he’s already a supporter of women’s rights.
That uncomfortable place men have been is where you are, regarding racism. Truly examining your inner beliefs about Blacks, Indigenous, Asians and Latinos might be some of the hardest work you’ve ever done. It will require you to see yourself in a different light. It takes bravery. It might even threaten some of your relationships. But it will allow you to have closer relationships with people of color, help hold safe spaces for us, and make you someone we feel more comfortable around.
My mother was active in the women’s movement and she had a poster on our wall that had this quotation from a 1977 speech made by Jill Ruckelshaus, one of the founders of the National Women’s Political Caucus. Ruckelshaus talked about working on the Equal Rights Amendment this way:
We are in for a very, very long haul…I am asking for everything you have to give. We will never give up…You will lose your youth, your sleep, your patience, your sense of humor and occasionally, the understanding and support of people who love you very much. In return, I have nothing to offer you but your pride in being a woman, and all your dreams you’ve ever had for your daughters and nieces and granddaughters…and the certain knowledge that at the end of your days you will be able to look back and say that once in your life you gave everything you had for justice.
This is the kind of long haul it will take for the United States to achieve racial equity, and the price will be similarly steep. You as white women don’t have to do this. This is not a life or death question for you. You can choose the easy way and keep your environment completely white. You can click on some other article when your social media accounts show news of Black Americans being killed for no reason, or Asian-Americans facing workplace discrimination, or Indigenous people being denied health care.
But taking the easy way will put you on the wrong side of history and you’ll have to live with the knowledge — however subconscious — that you are a hindrance to achieving a society without racism. Whatever you choose — and no matter if you choose actively or passively — directly contributes to the racial dynamics of our country. Yes, you. You.
Please don’t turn away from the chance to contribute to a place where everyone feels safe. I want to believe you have empathy for people of color because you have felt men diminish or erase you. Please prove wrong all the people of color who have told me that white women will not work against racism because you have too much to lose if people of color are treated as your equals. At the very least, think about what I’ve written here and then share this post with another white woman who also might think about it.
Thanks, Andria. That's a good idea and maybe I'll write a post about that later, but this post has a different focus. I'm talking specifically to white women who already know they have made a racially insensitive mistake and now feel too uncomfortable to take the next step and examine their innermost beliefs about people of color.
If you can stand to write about them, Regina, specific examples are very instructive – what a white woman can't even SEE and what would have been better to say (or do). Probably repetitively irritating for you but so helpful since you are gifted with the words to point out such examples.