Americans are bad at making friends. As children we make friends with the kids in our class or whoever lives near us. In college we’re friends with any of the thousands of people on our campus. But as grown-ups outside of those friendship-petri-dishes, too many of us either hold on to old friendships from school or live lonely lives of wishing we had more friends.
From 25 years of living in a city where I knew no one when I moved here, I’ve learned the adult befriending strategies I’ll put in this post and the next three.
1. Be willing to risk getting hurt. You’re often going to have to make the first move because making new friends takes initiative. Your initiative. You will issue invitations and say/text things like, “Do you want to get together for a cup of coffee?” Some people won’t respond to your invitations. Some will respond with enthusiasm. You have to be ready for either.
2. Be willing to risk looking foolish. See #1.
3. Be willing to risk rejection. See #1.
I live in Chicago where I have no family, never went to school, and didn’t have any connections when I moved here in 1993. I realized if I wasn’t good at making friends, I’d be very lonely, so I got good at making friends. A big part of that was managing my fear of rejection. It wasn’t easy, but the payoff for being brave is so big that I’ve become brave.
Don’t let fear stop you! Being good at making new friends requires that you not get bogged down in fear of being rejected. For years now I’ve had plenty of friends, with no lack of people I can have fun with, who understand me and who I can lean on. You can have a community like that, too, if you’re brave.
Also:
How to make friends, part 2
How to make friends, part 3
How to maintain a friendship
How to end a friendship