First published on Medium.com on Oct. 10, 2021
People sometimes mention to me that they have children. I don’t respond and wait for them to get back to the topic of our Zoom. Sometimes, in person, a friend mentions that they have pictures of their kids in their Halloween costumes or on the vacation they just took. Maybe they reach for their phones and I say, “Oh, that’s okay.” Because they’re my friends they’re comfortable with my disinterest. They know Regina — in spite of being a pudgy, middle-aged, gray-haired, Mexican woman — just isn’t that into children.
But I used to be. I used to love children and babies and when I turned 30 I became fixated on how I hadn’t had any yet. I worried about finding a man and starting a family. This lasted until I took a job as a part-time nanny to a seven-week-old boy. I kept that job until he was 3 1/2 years old, caring for him three days a week, morning til night. It showed me just how much I really wanted a baby, which was: not that much.
After that, I wasn’t certain I wanted to be a mother. It still seemed like a good idea, but the nannying job seriously reduced the appeal. I remained undeclared for years, wondering about becoming a mother, but unable to commit to it. Finally in my late 30s, I realized motherhood didn’t feel like it was for me and I changed to dating only men who didn’t want kids. By age 39 I knew my decision was permanent, so I grilled the man who would become my husband, asking him repeatedly over months if he was sure he didn’t want kids.
Now I’m 55 and when I see families with young children or kids getting ready for college or women preparing for their daughter’s wedding I feel — indifference. As much as I used to enjoy children and babies, I’m grateful to not have any to worry about.
So what? Am I writing this to spread propaganda about how women should buck their “biological destiny?” No. The reason I’m writing on this subject is simply to give this message: I’m a middle-aged woman who’s glad she didn’t have kids. I’m happy not being a mother or grandmother.
It’s an important message because child-free-by-choice writing from us older women isn’t easy to find. An undeclared person can find many 20- to 40-year-old voices that list excellent reasons for not becoming a mother, but the question that haunts the undeclared is Will I regret not having kids when I’m older? As a public service I’m saying that at the age of 55 I have no regrets and I know women who are even older than me who also chose not to be mothers and they have no regrets.
Another reason I’m writing this is that while there’s plenty written about being child-free-by-choice, I haven’t read much by women of color. Certainly I’ve never seen such a piece from someone like me: a Mexican American woman who comes from a big Catholic family. Actually, I grew up with just my parents and one sister, far from our extended family, and that might have made a difference (but we were no less Catholic). Maybe if I’d grown up near my grandparents, my many cousins, and all my aunts and uncles, I would have absorbed more of the family-first thinking that many Latinos have.
But I didn’t absorb the family-first thinking that many Latinos have, and that might be part of my lack of enthusiasm about bearing my own children. I did have a twinge of worry when my body became biologically unable to become pregnant, but it was similar to the twinge of regret I felt when seven years had passed since I had left a PhD program. At that point (in 1999), I could no longer go back and finish that degree and I had an Oh-no-what-have-I-done moment. But it passed quickly and, like the motherhood question, it never bothered me again. Walking away from that PhD and taking a pass on motherhood were good decisions for me.
By the way, I think it’s important to discuss this using the word motherhood. When we only use words like babies and child-free we put the focus on those cute little humans (who wouldn’t want those?) and leave out the lifetime of responsibility and work it takes to be a mother. I’d prefer if there were less “Do I want kids?” and more “Do I want to be a mother/father?” Babies grow up, but that parenthood state lasts your whole life.
This is where I’m supposed to point out that I’m not afraid of having no one to care for me in my old age. I’m also supposed to say that millions of old people are completely ignored by their adult children, so eldercare is no reason to become a parent. The standard no-children story might also include all the things I’ve been able to do because I wasn’t raising children and maybe this story would typically have a hard coating of defensiveness.
If you want, we can pretend all that happened, but all I really want to say is: If you wonder if you’ll regret not bearing children, I have no idea, but I can say there are many aging women who absolutely do not regret passing on the motherhood experience. Also, countless old women throughout human history died childless and with no regrets about it. The world right at this moment is full of women over the age of 50 who chose to stay motherhood-free and are perfectly at peace about it. We see other people’s children (and grandchildren and great-grandchildren) and our response is basically “Good for them.” No remorse, no guilt, no envy.
We have no remorse, no guilt, and no envy, and I wish you as much peace with all your life decisions.