About seven years ago I discovered Joe Dispenza. His books teach how to use the power of the mind through meditation to change yourself. I loved his writing, his meditations and his way of approaching life. I used his meditation for years and blogged about my experiences (this post describes an event I attended). You can look up his books (I recommend Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself) and YouTube videos.
But after faithfully using his meditation practice for about three and a half years, I stopped. I figuratively tossed his book out the window because my depression came back and the depression that hit me in 2017 was a bad one. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a week, on suicide watch, feeling like everything had failed me. No matter how hard I worked or what tools I used, my life was broken and I couldn’t fix it.
What followed was a slow climb out of that depression and years of struggle. I worked hard to build the self-esteem I’ve always wanted, to achieve physical and mental health, to like myself, and to become financially solvent. I wistfully considered creative projects and dating. I had many goals and desires and I achieved some, but not most.
Then last summer an event caused me to spend weeks in intense anxiety, acute sleep deprivation and constant active fear. I found out anxiety isn’t an emotion; it has physical components I had no control over. I found myself working through re-surfaced trauma and pain I had no idea I’d been carrying. It took a team of professional healers to get me sleeping regularly again and to put my mind back together. I still wake up with anxiety every morning although it’s not nearly as bad as it was. Some mornings my anxiety is quite small, but I long to be rid of it like before the summer.
One of my powerful healers reminded me last week about Joe Dispenza. She suggested I stop listening to the news and fill my head with good messages by starting with Dispenza’s YouTube videos. I felt skeptical. His stuff failed me before. He said I could change my life, but it didn’t change. Victoria reminded me that the powerful spiritual healing I’d been through over the summer left me a different person. Things will land differently now.
I still felt doubtful, so I took my time looking Dispenza up on YouTube. I listened to a couple of interviews and gradually let his words give me hope. This past weekend, I tried a shortened version of one of his meditations. I combined it with a technique I’ve been using of imagining that I’m breathing in loving, healing energy and sending it out to others (I got that idea from Victoria and the healing work we’ve been doing).
When that went well, I got out a recording I made in 2016. I had recorded myself reading Dispenza’s words because as wonderful as his work is, he does not have a good meditation voice (he’s done his own meditation recordings which is a mistake). I meditated to my own voice on Monday night, did it again Tuesday morning and again this morning.
I start by imagining I’m breathing in healing love and sending it out to others and to myself. Then I go into the Dispenza meditation (recorded by me). It guides me to imagine the future, experiencing the sensory details of specific experiences I want. It’s about 30 minutes long and leaves me feeling warm, loved and peaceful to the core. I’m activating my heart to help manage my loneliness, anxiety and dread.
On Tuesday morning the anxiety I usually wake up with was very small.
Wednesday morning, the anxiety wasn’t there at all and I even forgot to go on my daily walk that manages my anxiety. Mid-morning I remembered the daily walk that I haven’t missed since Juldemort. I need that walk every morning because my anxiety is worst in the morning when I wake up, but that that day the anxiety wasn’t there and I even forgot to walk! I was shocked. And I enjoyed the most peaceful, normal, calm day I’d had since June.
But that night I had a terrible time falling asleep and I woke up the next morning with the anxiety snake coiling through my guts again. Ugh! But instead of quitting, I accepted that the return of the anxiety was part of the process. I’ve had good days and bad for months now. Why would that change?
I worked the meditation again on Wednesday morning, but even as I achieved a peaceful mind, I felt my churning gut. How can my head and heart feel good while my stomach and bowels feel bad? And why did it feel like the closer I got to a calm state the more the anxiety kicked up? Goddamn it.
But I’m not giving up (yet). I kept at it and today (Friday) was another good day. Not as good as Wednesday — which will be my standard for a while, I guess — but better than Thursday.
So I’m re-committing to Dispenza’s manifesting practice in the faith that it will get me where I want to be. I went charging into Joe’s meditation in 2013 certain it was the final piece of the puzzle, but apparently it wasn’t. Let’s see if I’m different enough for it to work now.