Backstory on my latest Medium post Here’s What White People Can Do.
On Monday I was on a Zoom call that featured a speaker on LGBT+ pride and activism because June is Pride Month. But of course she also addressed the racial shit going on. The host taped the call so I was able to watch it again Monday night.
The call was seven people: five white. At one point the speaker, who was white, mentioned how important it is for white queer people to be allies to Black people. The white host of the call asked her how he can do that.
It seemed to me that the speaker was surprisingly caught off guard by the question. How could she have brought up the subject without having clear ideas about it? After hesitating, she said, “Send a quick text.” She said has done this with Black friends and colleagues, texting “This sucks. I’m sorry. If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”
Um, when white men have murdered another Black man and Black people are feeling rage and grief, why would they turn to a white friend to unload? I wouldn’t. If I were feeling rage and grief about white people killing Black people and I got that text from a white friend, I’d think, “Can I talk to you to cuss you out on behalf of your people? Can I scream at you because I know you don’t call out your friends and family when they say fucked up shit?”
But on the Zoom call, I politely didn’t say what bad advice that was. Before the speaker could stammer that she didn’t have any other ideas, I raised my hand. She actually looked relieved as she said, “Regina wants to chime in.”
I said, “One thing white people can do is commit to calling out other white people when they make statements that are off. You know the statements I’m talking about and when they say ‘They really should shoot all the looters,’ speak up. Say why that’s wrong. I mean it would be such an incredible thing if every white person would commit to ‘From now on every time I hear other white people say anything that seems off to me, I’m going to call them out.’”
The speaker responded with enthusiasm, but also uncertainty. She said “I think that’s great. The challenge is: what are the conversation starters? Because we get sort of paralyzed by ‘I don’t know exactly how to respond.’ So I think taking that one step further and providing white people, or me as a white person, providing conversation starters like how do you call someone out? How do you take that ‘Oh, something’s a little bit off’ and…actually…what are the words?”
It was as if she had never in her life interrupted a conversation to criticize someone! And maybe she hasn’t, although if that’s true I don’t see how she can be an LGBT activist. From her talk, it seemed she’d gone through decades of calling people out on their homophobia. So do that for Black people! Fuck “conversation starters.”
I said, “I just say words like, ‘Wow, Sandy, I’m getting to know you better right now'” (this got laughter) “and I’m disturbed that you think property is more important than lives.'”
Why was she laughing? I guess it was nervous laughter. White people are experts at nervous laughter.
The speaker answered, “That’s great! I think that’s great. Absolutely.”
But I could tell she’s never going to do this. White people like her smile and nod and say “That’s great!” and admire those of us who speak up, but that doesn’t mean shit unless they do it themselves. I was trying to show her how it’s done. I wanted her to nod thoughtfully and say, “Oh, okay. I get it. I’m taking notes.” Instead I got a grinning “That’s great!” like she was cheering me on. That wasn’t a performance to be applauded, White Woman! That was supposed to be instruction! Now you do it!
So I took that angrifying white encounter, since so many white people seem to be asking what they can do, and turned it into the Medium story Here’s What White People Can Do.
I’ve seen several articles and blog posts that list five or 20 or 75 anti-racism things white people can do, but they focus on traditional political activism and how to support anti-racism organizations. That’s good, but I actually don’t think any of those actions is as important as whites calling it out among their own people, whether that’s friends, family, coworkers, strangers standing in line, people you just met at a social event, the check-out clerk, the person you’re dating/engaged to, the electrician, etc. etc.
Calling white people out on their prejudiced statements is the single, most tide-turning thing any white American can do. Yes, it’s hard as fuck. Do it.
Also, Classikal, I think we should be specific that "even a mild comment seems like a giant step into No-No-Land," except when it comes to white women speaking up to Black people. As we've seen lately, plenty of white women who might not go up in the face of another white person, will take on a Black person, threatening to call the police, etc.
Point take, Classikal!
That said, I'm not asking you to start a debate or try to change anyone's mind. Just say, "Okay, wait. That's not cool." If someone angrily pushes back, you can say, "Hey, that's fine, if that's what you believe. But can you just not say those things around me?"
Then let it go. If they hate you forever, weigh that against the pain of 400 years of being slaughtered like animals. Be PROUD if they think you're an asshole because you speak up! Re-think who you want to be "nice" to.
Yep, white women have been so socialized to be "nice" that many of us cannot even imagine calling someone out. Even a mild comment seems like a giant step into No-No-Land. Even as an LGBTQ advocate, she may never have actually corrected someone else.
It's a great skill to learn. So, thank you, Regina for giving her an example, and writing about it, too.
You're exactly correct about how difficult it is. Because you know you'll get solid, angry rejection and complaint back at yourself. Not that we shouldn't do it anyway. But, yes, it's very difficult.