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| My dad and me, June 2018 I was pretty big |
To each post that’s about weight I’ve put links that lead you through those posts. This lets you read the story of my weight like a book (with photos. I dislike blogs about weight that don’t have photos). I start with a 2006 post called Fat blogs.
Going back and looking at all these posts made me realize just how completely I’ve suffered from body dysmorphia all of my life. The posts from 2006 through 2012, in which I whine about being fat when I was actually skinny, look clinically delusional to me. I was certain that I was overweight when I was actually perfectly thin.
Even after I put on a bunch of extra weight in 2013 and 2014, those posts also make me wonder what I was thinking. Now that I’m more than clinically obese, I’d love to be the size I was in 2014! In so many posts I wrung my hands about how fat I was when I wasn’t all that fat or I was even downright skinny.
Instead of feeling ashamed of this, I feel outraged that this is what I learned as a little girl: to feel ashamed of myself even when there was nothing wrong with me. With no one to oppose that lesson, I learned shame and self-hatred and you can see it in these posts. If I were to turn this into an actual book, I might call it “Self-Loathing at Size 20 and Size 8.”
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| Ozzie and me, June 2019 |
I used to be completely unable to see what my body really looked like, how attractive I really was. I’m probably not even seeing myself clearly now and maybe I never will.
I used to be a thin woman who was terrified of getting fat and then — guess what? I got fat! Ha! It seems to me like a sad story of self-loathing, but it might still have a less-than-sad ending. If you started reading this blog since I became obese, you might be surprised by the photos of me skinny. Start here.
Next post on fatness: Grieving my sweet tooth.