Also:
How to make friends, part 1
How to make friends, part 2
How to make friends, part 3
How to end a friendship
Have you ever had a friend you felt great about, but then they stopped responding to your texts or other messages? Don’t be that person. Ever. Keep your friendships healthy and treat your friends with respect even when you don’t want to be friends anymore.
1. Stay in contact (frequency). This varies, but find a rhythm that works for the two of you. It could be every day, or once a week or month. I need to see my good friends in person at least once every couple of months, but preferably every few weeks. Other not-so-close friends I’m content to see every couple months. What’s important is that it feel like the friendship the two of you want.
2. Stay in contact (mode). Maybe one of you has to start texting or emailing more than usual in order to meet the other person where they are. I used to be in-person or email-only, but in the last several years I started texting because that’s what my new friends preferred. If your new friend never returns your texts, but responds well to email, then you’ll need to use email with them. Be flexible.
3. There are all kinds of friends. I need regular, personal, face-to-face chats with some of my friends. Others I’m comfortable catching up with at social events every once in a while. Others I connect with infrequently online because they live in another part of the world. But I consider all of them friends. (This is a very American concept of friendship. The definition of friend varies throughout the world, but I’m blogging about what I know.)
4. If they fade out, check in. If you don’t hear from a friend for a while, send them a message and ask how they are. Don’t assume they’ve decided they don’t like you anymore. Friendship requires a thick skin, so don’t think silence means they’re upset with you or don’t like you anymore.
5. If they fade out for a long time, don’t necessarily give up. We all have bad weeks or packed months when it’s all we can do to read someone’s message, let alone actually respond. Be patient and give people time to get back to you.
Sure, it’s possible they’re ghosting you, but don’t jump to that assumption. I had a friend who always came to my parties, but then she stopped responding to my invitations. I sent her a couple of emails asking what was going on. I got nothing back, but kept her on my guest list because we’d been friends for years. It took over a year, but she finally reached out and explained that there had been a death in the family and she’d gone incommunicado with many of her friends for the previous year. She told me she had been grateful to keep getting my invitations and I was glad I’d never given up on her. So you never know.
6. Work out differences as soon as possible. This is a hard one for Americans, but if you have a problem with a friend, don’t assume that telling them will make them dislike you. If you approach it by saying how much the friendship means to you and that you want to move forward as friends, they should be mature enough to hear what bothers you without getting angry. Don’t let problems pile up and then disappear with no explanation because you can’t take it anymore.
7. No ghosting. Ghosting is when you disappear with no explanation because you can’t take it anymore. A ghoster suddenly stops responding to all communication with no warning whatsoever. It’s disrespectful, cowardly and humiliating for the person being ghosted. Please, never do it.
If you can be a mature, respectful, supportive friend, you can draw into your life mature, respectful, supportive friends. I’m a demanding friend and I’m not easy to get along with, so I’ve definitely pissed friends off and they’ve pissed me off. Either way, we keep in mind how valuable our friendship is, communicate respectfully and work it out. And then we go on being friends. Yes, that’s possible!
What if you don’t want to be friends anymore? That’s next in How to end a friendship.
How to make friends, part 1
How to make friends, part 2
How to make friends, part 3
How to end a friendship
Have you ever had a friend you felt great about, but then they stopped responding to your texts or other messages? Don’t be that person. Ever. Keep your friendships healthy and treat your friends with respect even when you don’t want to be friends anymore.
1. Stay in contact (frequency). This varies, but find a rhythm that works for the two of you. It could be every day, or once a week or month. I need to see my good friends in person at least once every couple of months, but preferably every few weeks. Other not-so-close friends I’m content to see every couple months. What’s important is that it feel like the friendship the two of you want.
2. Stay in contact (mode). Maybe one of you has to start texting or emailing more than usual in order to meet the other person where they are. I used to be in-person or email-only, but in the last several years I started texting because that’s what my new friends preferred. If your new friend never returns your texts, but responds well to email, then you’ll need to use email with them. Be flexible.
3. There are all kinds of friends. I need regular, personal, face-to-face chats with some of my friends. Others I’m comfortable catching up with at social events every once in a while. Others I connect with infrequently online because they live in another part of the world. But I consider all of them friends. (This is a very American concept of friendship. The definition of friend varies throughout the world, but I’m blogging about what I know.)
4. If they fade out, check in. If you don’t hear from a friend for a while, send them a message and ask how they are. Don’t assume they’ve decided they don’t like you anymore. Friendship requires a thick skin, so don’t think silence means they’re upset with you or don’t like you anymore.
5. If they fade out for a long time, don’t necessarily give up. We all have bad weeks or packed months when it’s all we can do to read someone’s message, let alone actually respond. Be patient and give people time to get back to you.
Sure, it’s possible they’re ghosting you, but don’t jump to that assumption. I had a friend who always came to my parties, but then she stopped responding to my invitations. I sent her a couple of emails asking what was going on. I got nothing back, but kept her on my guest list because we’d been friends for years. It took over a year, but she finally reached out and explained that there had been a death in the family and she’d gone incommunicado with many of her friends for the previous year. She told me she had been grateful to keep getting my invitations and I was glad I’d never given up on her. So you never know.
6. Work out differences as soon as possible. This is a hard one for Americans, but if you have a problem with a friend, don’t assume that telling them will make them dislike you. If you approach it by saying how much the friendship means to you and that you want to move forward as friends, they should be mature enough to hear what bothers you without getting angry. Don’t let problems pile up and then disappear with no explanation because you can’t take it anymore.
7. No ghosting. Ghosting is when you disappear with no explanation because you can’t take it anymore. A ghoster suddenly stops responding to all communication with no warning whatsoever. It’s disrespectful, cowardly and humiliating for the person being ghosted. Please, never do it.
If you can be a mature, respectful, supportive friend, you can draw into your life mature, respectful, supportive friends. I’m a demanding friend and I’m not easy to get along with, so I’ve definitely pissed friends off and they’ve pissed me off. Either way, we keep in mind how valuable our friendship is, communicate respectfully and work it out. And then we go on being friends. Yes, that’s possible!
What if you don’t want to be friends anymore? That’s next in How to end a friendship.