Karen in Chicago asks “How do you start a conversation with someone about their nationality without offending them? For example, a Lyft or Uber driver. And, if that is possible, what should you ask them?”
I love this question because I blogged Stop asking: Where are you from? in 2017 and it’s a subject I’m passionate about. Please read that post for the details about why it’s bad to ask, so I can focus on this: Well, then how do you ask someone about their nationality?
I believe it’s best to just not ask at all. If you’re in a Lyft or Uber and the person doesn’t seem to be from the U.S, please curb your curiosity. Then start a conversation with them as you would if they looked and sounded just like you, unless the way you start every conversation with all strangers is with “Where are you from?”
For instance, ask how long they’ve been driving for Lyft, or if they usually work during this time of night/day. Talk about the weather or any of the standard small talk subjects. Chances are, if this person feels comfortable with you, he/she will bring up his/her background in the course of conversation. And if that doesn’t happen and you leave the Lyft ride before their home country comes up, just let it go. Why do you need to know their background?
One reason white, American-raised Americans want to know someone’s background or home country is that they’re hoping to learn something new. But that attitude treats other people like information resources that are there for your education. Most internationals will never, ever tell you they are uncomfortable being used for a geography lesson or as a vacation consultant, and many of them won’t mind. But many of them will mind (but won’t tell you) and you can’t know which it is.
So don’t ask; let them bring it up. And try to be less fixated on figuring out why someone seems different from you. Just focus on them as a person like you.
Mentioning the unmentionable since 2004