When I found out that the husband of a friend had died I first felt sad, then angry. It makes me furious that so many people want to die, but instead people like her man die. But it’s a random, godless world so there’s no place to direct my anger. Everything just sucks.
My friend has lost her life partner, a husband she actually liked and wanted to be married to for a long time. She’s been robbed of someone she didn’t get nearly enough time with, and she has three young children. Raising even one child is at least a two-person job. I alternate between sympathy and anger.
People with dependents, who deserve to live a long time, die every damn day while others like me, who don’t expect life to get better, are just waiting for it to end. We no longer expect to make a difference in the world or find another relationship or lose weight or beat our depression. I’m accepting that I’ll be roughly as I am until my natural (or sudden, violent) death, which with luck will be not more than 20 years from now.
So many people would like to check out right now, whether because of mental illness or other diseases or disabilities. But are we excused from the table? No. My friend’s husband was the same age as me and had so many reasons to live a good long time. I hate how life works. I’m done expecting it to be good.