I’ve been scraping around for about a week now, missing my post-husband (I call him that because we’ll be legally divorced in a few months), feeling the emptiness of my beautiful one-bedroom apartment, crying, EFT tapping, resting and then crying more. I understand this is the normal grieving process one goes through at the end of a marriage, so I’m focusing on giving myself permission to feel what I’m feeling and not scold myself for being emotional.
I’m hugely grateful to my friends and family who are helping to carry me through this. My husband and I had the habit of calling each other a couple of times a day, just to say hi and see how we were doing at work, etc. Since I moved out in July I’ve really missed that, so I asked my sister if I could start calling her instead. I said it would be just to say hi or tell some bit of news I want to share, and she said yes. It’s been going very well. I like our little short talks and Judy likes hearing from me more.
Still, in between talking to others I’ve been feeling pretty low. I’ve been wishing I could crawl back into my married life, even though that life was plagued by dog hair and disappointment. I’ve been feeling lonelier than I have in a long time and haven’t known what to do when my usual coping mechanisms haven’t helped (those are: tapping, crying, eating, singing, dancing, watching horror movies, emailing/talking to friends and swallowing Bach Rescue Remedy).
Then by chance, tonight I glanced at a blog post I wrote a month ago about why I like being single. Then I read another one about what I learned from my years as a married person and I started to feel better. Reading the posts I wrote when I was feeling strong about my new singlehood cleared some of my gloom and regret. It’s such a simple comfort that if someone had suggested it to me, I would have doubted its worth. By rereading my posts I reminded myself of the joy I felt just a month ago when my single status felt like freedom. I reminded myself that although this pain is truth, so was my joy and that joy will be back.
If you don’t have one, start a blog. You never know how it might benefit you.
Selana (who told me she posted) – thank you. Your words help. Plus I love when people comment on my blog.
The joy will indeed return. I have been to a similar hell and I did survive. I am so proud of how you are using your arsenal of tools to stay in the light and you are also being proactive in creating more.
When you finally get out of this hell you will have eradicated those demons that led te you to a relationship that didn't fulfill you.
These may be growing pains but you ARE growing.