My Middle Age Morale Problem

I just published a story on Medium.com: My Middle Age Morale Problem

It describes how my hope for my future has dwindled since I was in my 20s. Please read the full story, but here are the photos I would have put with it, if it felt appropriate to put this many photos in a Medium story (it doesn’t).

Here’s me when I was 20:

You remember feeling like all the decisions were ahead of you and you were going to get right what your parents got wrong, etc? Yeah, that was me.

Some of the bloom was off the rose in my 30’s, but I was still certain I was in the process of creating the life I wanted:

In my 40’s I finally got married and felt certain that I was now living the life I’d been looking forward to all that time.

And I was. Unfortunately, the life I’d been waiting for lasted about two years. Then my marriage became dead-marriage-walking and in response, I put on 50 pounds. In response to that, my then-husband ended the marriage.

But I still had hope! After divorce, I believed I’d get back to my real life. I lost weight and started a business.

Then I put large amounts of weight back on and my business failed. I was still going to build the life I really wanted, right?

Well. I’m going to be 55 in July and I seem no closer to financial stability or the relationship I want than when I was 25. It also seems I’ll never slim down.

And this is why I say the most painful part of middle age for me is loss of hope. My life wasn’t great in my 20s, but I had hope. My life wasn’t great in my 30s, but I had hope. My life wasn’t great in my late 40s, but I had hope. Well, now I’m in my mid-50s and my life isn’t worse than it’s been in the past, but my hope is almost gone. And it turns out that’s a very hard way to live.

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